Observations on
Gratitude
Thanksgiving Day
So much to be thankful
for
So little
Which do you see?
The love that surrounds
you
Like a white blanket of
warmth
Your absence of pain
No medical needs
Your own room, your safe
bed
Far from the sterile
hospital
And the nursing home
where you were just a number
Or do you see your
failing body
Your declining interests
Your total dependence
Your quirky bowels?
Your life is all of
these
And so much more
You teach us daily from
your path we’ve not yet taken
You slow us down to
reassess what really matters
We relish the moment,
the tender times of connection
That sustain us through
the tough times
When you withdraw to
your fears
And suffer alone
Unable to name your
demons
11/28/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Perception
I could see this as
prison
Tied to the house
Tethered to you
Always on call
Life on hold
Or – I could see it as
gift
To walk the unexplored
with you
To support you in your
fears
To hold a sense of
normalcy
Reminding you that you
are still here
And you are not alone
I could see this as no
life
Friends fade into
silence
No plans, no respite
Each day like every
other
Or – I could see it as
interlude
A short time in my life
Living what really
matters
I look through the
absence
And capture the pearls
So small, easy to miss
Unseen in a busy life
I could see this as
routine
The boring sameness of
each day
Hating the sameness
Yet dreading the change
That means another loss
Or – I could see this as
opportunity
To hold your hand and
listen
In the hours spent
together
To show small ways of
caring
And sense you relaxing
in that love
I could see this as
morbid
Waiting to die
Body winding down
No help from our culture
Its silence a roar of
denial
Or – I could see this as
holy
A process so normal
Not if but how
A walk in the unexplored
I could see this as loss
Conclusion already
written
Sorrow and relief
Intermingle in stark
nothingness
Or – I could see it as
life changing
An honor to witness
A rite of passage
And dance with two
worlds
In the lightness of
wonder
I grow in wisdom
12/8/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Mom’s Room
This is a sacred place
A place of unveiling
A place of transition
Let all who enter
Hold respectful
curiosity
For the process
unfolding
This is a private place
Your room, your
sanctuary
A place where you can
choose
What you do
Who comes in
What surrounds you
So much is out of your
control now
Respect for your wishes
Is the least we can do
This is a peaceful place
Though you don’t always
know it
The angels visit
And dance on your pillow
Dad comes
And holds you in his
care
Nana, Papa, your family
who loved you
Those who came before
Whose heritage you carry
They are here to bear
witness
To the journey you
undertake
That all present have
traveled
And know joyfully its
ending
This is your room
It will all end here
Let all who enter
Acknowledge the process
And hold the respect
For so much unknown
You walk alone today
But each one will follow
The path so inevitable
We’ll each have our own
room
Our dancing angels
Our loving ancestors
Our personal exit
And hopefully that
respect
That allows us our
journey
To do it “my way”
With witnessing and love
12/15/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
The Caregiver
Nothing prepared me
For this time in my life
When my focus is
narrowed
And my life on hold
It’s the right thing to
do
To care for my mom
To bathe her
To feed her
To be her life
To be her lifeline
To connect her to all
she was
As she reaches out to
what will be
As for me, it’s all new
The roller coaster of
emotions
The aches of a taxed
body
The ripping around of
her ups and downs
But more – look deeper
Ungrounded
Old fears surface
And take center stage
In the wakening moments
Before thought
intervenes
The emotions are primal
Not just your survival,
Mom, but mine
Not just your lost
control, Mom, but mine
Not just your unknown
future, Mom, but mine
Before now
Everything was in place
I awoke with gratitude
And stepped into
predictability
I worked hard
And figured it all out
So I rested in peace
Reaping rewards of my
labor
Then life intervened
A new lesson to be
learned
You came, Mom,
And my hard-earned
peacefulness
Lost its footing
My practice – gone
My connections – gone
My freedom – gone
My life so changed
Now you at its center
A total reshuffling
Of a concrete existence
The worst is the
collapse
A spiraling downward
No hope, no plans
How long will this last?
Fear it will end
Fear it will go on
The unknown ever present
Dancing in my
consciousness
“Let go” its message
“Let be”
And so I do
Still grieving the
losses
I look for the gifts
The moments of splendor
That make us both smile
Perhaps missed in a busy
life
But noticed in the
slowdown
Of living, while dying
One moment at a time
12/18/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Musings On Reclaiming
Me
Let’s face it
This is not the life I
planned
Keeper of the bedpan
Counting days between
bowel movements
Rolling with your moods
And adjusting
Constantly adjusting
Always adjusting
My schedule to yours
You need me?
I’m there
You call me?
I’m there
You awaken?
I’m there
Don’t you wonder
How it all comes
together
To make it work for you?
No – you never ask
Like a child, it just
is.
As it should be.
You did for me
Now I do for you
But danger lurks in this
commitment
I fear for the imbalance
This situation has
created
The letting go of my
life
I can call it “putting
on hold”
But in reality
Life moves on
I’m changing
There won’t be much to
go back to
Just pieces of a life
That no longer form a
whole
The answer
Is to live now
The only answer
Is to bring me back into
focus
So when I need me
I’m there
When I call me
I’m there
When I awaken
I’m there
Bring me back
From being lost in you
Rise to the challenge
Of caring for me
While caring for you
If I don’t
Your death will leave me
in emptiness
An “empty nest” of old
age
I’m so much more than
caregiver
Rather than collapsing
In this responsibility
I can expand
To also do for me
I taught you to be
dependent
Now the challenge is
To unteach
Your needs will be met
But not all by me
I’m not always available
as
I’m “going to work” –
On me
12/22/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
In the Wee Hours of
Christmas Eve
You look so frail
At first glance
Only your head showing
Above the covers
Big eyes open, staring
at me
Waiting for my first
words
“Good morning”, I say,
A smile on my face
A pause, at first
nothing
Then a smile lights your
face
“Merry Christmas”, you
say
“Merry Christmas”, I
respond
Delighted you remember
“We’re supposed to be
happy”, you say
“We are happy, Mom.”
“We’re together and will
share
a lovely Christmas day.”
Your big eyes look into
mine
Then slowly arms lift
And fingers gently touch
my cheeks
You pull my face towards
yours
And gently kiss my cheek
I smile.
“That makes me happy,
Mom.”
“So happy.”
I don’t remember the
last time
You spontaneously kissed
me
Maybe 50 years ago, who
knows?
Maybe never
The sweetness of this
moment
Touches my spirit
I contrast this
With the months of
transition
When it was unclear
If you could live alone
Or should
Your worry
Permeating your life
The unknown looming,
Always present
There’s still unknown
But not the day-to-day
kind
I’ve worked hard
To teach you what you
can count on
And today my reward
A tender moment,
spontaneous
Makes it all worthwhile
12/24/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Changes
Most people leave
hospice
Because it’s time to die
You’re leaving hospice
Because you’ve chosen to
live
My how things change!
Just one month ago
You yearned to die
Bemoaning your inability
To “do this right”
Your way, your schedule
“It’s time.”
I watched helplessly
Trying to support you
But not understanding
Yes, you’re frail
But your heart beats
strong
Yes, you’re weak
But your lungs flow
freely
Yes, you need help with
everything
But you have no pain
“This is no way to
live”, you say
But there’s so much good
I don’t understand
Then something shifted
I can’t say what
You stopped bemoaning
And started connecting
A hint of interest here
A tad of sharing there
One moment sticks out
I pointed out the flower
Blooming in your room
We admired it together
“Mom, have you noticed
how
it’s the little things
that mean so much?”
“Yes”, you agreed,
“It’s the little
things.”
“Like this morning, Mom,
when you kissed my
cheek.
It made me so happy
I wrote it in my
journal.”
A look crossed your face
You appeared thoughtful
“I concentrate so hard
on what you’re doing to
me,
I forget about you.”
Wow!
“You kiss me”, you said.
“Why don’t I kiss you?”
Ever since that moment
You reach out
Many times each day
And pull my face towards
yours
Each time a gentle kiss
Each time a loving smile
Perhaps that’s why
There’s no more need for
hospice
Your world expanded
Beyond you
The kiss a symbol
Of reconnecting to life
Of seeing what’s life
enforcing
Of noticing the little
things
That make a life
worthwhile
12/31/02
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
The Unknown
How long will this go
on?
No rush – just tell me
I need to figure out
How to pace myself
24/7 for 3 months
is so different from
24/7 for 3 years
The short term
Intense – then over
Giving completely
Then life regained
But the long term
Requires you AND life
Not an interruption
But an intermingling
How to do this
Is the challenge
24/7 doesn’t leave much
time
For a life
1/2/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Role Reversal
I’ve never been a Mom
And thought I never
would
I’ve been a daughter for
a long time
Had that all figured out
Isn’t it interesting
How it all has changed?
The Mom role now on me
You, the child-like one
I accept my role gladly
Happy to take care of
you
To do it with respect
And help you keep your
dignity
The unexpected reward
This feeling of
tenderness
Wanting what’s best for
you
Committing to being
there for you
Seeing you relax and
expand
Comforted by your trust
in me
So this is maternal love
So sweet
An experience not to be
missed
Yet there are such
differences
Between you and a child
Almost 100 years
A century of experiences
So rather than being
there for you
I’m there with you
The two of us
Partnering whenever we
can
It’s your life, Mom
It’s your path
It’s your choice
Commode or bedpan?
Bed or chair?
Oatmeal or eggs?
Not big choices anymore
But still your right to
choose
To keep some control in
your life
A sign of respect
That you still have a
voice
I’ve never been a Mom
And now I am
One chance only
To get it right
1/10/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Small Yet Humongous
You sit and sit
on the pink, plastic
bedpan
Waiting for the urge
This time it doesn’t
come
“I can’t do anything
right.”
“Oh Mom, this isn’t a
matter
of right or wrong.
The spiket is on or
the spiket is off.
This time it was off
So you’ll try again
later.
No problem.”
“Oh. OK.”
And you let it go
Wow!
What happened here?
A descent into self-pity
Averted
This is no small thing!
Your lifetime pattern
Is choosing to worry
Demanding your right
To hold onto your pain
But not this time
Worry is on or
Worry is off
You choose, as always
But this time a new path
That supports your peace
1/14/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Capture the Moment
At the toileting in the
wee hours
I pull the underliner
under you
“Mmmmm”, you say,
“That’s soft.”
A note of pleasure in
your voice.
“It’s cotton”, I
respond,
“Soft like you.”
“No”, I correct myself,
Getting into the
analogy,
“You’re more like a soft
cloud.”
“A black cloud”, you
say,
A tired pattern of
self-denigration
Peeping through once
again
“Uh uh”, I respond.
“A white, fluffy, gentle
cloud.”
I sense the black cloud
image
Is an allusion to being
gloomy
“Mom, don’t you know
you’re so nice to be
around?”
Your face relaxes in a
smile
I kiss your cheek
And move my cheek toward
your lips
Rewarded with a gentle
kiss
A wave of affection
passes through me
Spontaneously I kiss
your forehead
You laugh out loud and
say
“We’re having a kissing
party!”
If we don’t grab these
gentle moments
And let them work their
magic on us
What else is there
To sustain us in the
darkness?
1/20/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Being Present
I think my biggest gift
to you
Is being present.
Each time we’re together
I fully enter this
moment
What do you need?
Hearing your spoken
response
But knowing that it’s
The tip of the iceberg
Your mind frequently
unable
To interpret your body’s
messages
“I. . . I don’t know”
You say with some angst
“Don’t know is okay”, I
say,
“I’ll help you figure it
out”
I put myself in your
place
Assessing the signs,
Trying to think like you
do
“Do you feel pain?”
Your eyes look inward
Searching
Looking around for
discomfort
That isn’t there
No, it’s emotions that
rip you
Holding you in a grip
that tortures
“Are you scared?”
We process it together
Sometimes just naming it
helps
To loosen the grip
And gain a little
perspective
“I understand you feel
afraid, Mom”
“But there’s nothing to
fear”
“Right now, this moment
you are safe and
I am here”
“Everything is just
fine”
Sometimes that
reassurance
Is enough
Without realizing your
power
You choose again
And let go of the demon
For the moment
And, after all,
This moment
Is all there is
One moment at a time
Can change an anguished
heart
1/20/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
The Unfolding
Many months ago
When you were in
transition
Newly unable to live
alone
Or meet your own basic
needs
The emails flew
“What will we do?”
“Where can she go?”
“WHAT’S GOING TO
HAPPEN?”
A roller coaster of
emotion
Burning in cyberspace
In the midst of the
chaos
A quiet voice spoke
Les, my sweet husband,
said
“Bring her here to live
with us.”
“She deserves it.”
I remember the squawk
That rose from my throat
“What!”, I croaked,
“We couldn’t…”
“Too much…”
“Unknown…”
That moment was the seed
The thought of what
might be
With my husband’s
willingness
We could make it happen
Take this piece of our
lives
And devote it to Mom
I remember the moment
It all came together
“Mom,” I asked,
“Are you afraid of
dying?”
“No”, you answered
Then anguish filled your
voice
“But I don’t want to die
alone.”
That was it.
Such resolve filled my
being.
Hesitation melted away.
A life of connection
Deserves a death with
connection
A transition fully
supported
No matter how it plays
out
Death may steal in
When there’s no one
around
There are no rules here
Just a process unfolding
Regardless of the timing
You won’t die alone
“Not alone” is more than
A hand holding yours
It’s a resting in peace
Knowing you’re loved
1/31/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Chains
When I was young
I’d lie on your bed
And watch you dress
To go out to your clubs
“Don’t go, Mom, stay
with me.
I like it when you’re
near.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ll
be fine.”
And you’d disappear into
the night
That was 50 years ago
Now you lie in your bed
And watch me as I
explain
I’m going out to be with
my life
Each time I watch your
face
It drops as your eyes go
blank
Disappointment emanates
from your being
You used to keep it to
yourself
Hold a stiff upper lip
Knowing this is what I
need
That my life should be
more than you
When I’d return
You’d shower me with joy
“So glad you’re here.”
“Missed you so much.”
Now you’re more upfront
“Wish you wouldn’t go.”
“Is there something I
should say to Les?
Something that he
doesn’t do?”
“No”, you say, “He’s
fine.”
Then go silent in your
despair
I try to name what’s
happening
That place that you’ve
decided
Only I can fill
“So you miss my pretty
face, Mom”,
“Is that it?”
A small smile comes to
your lips
“Yes. I miss your
pretty face.”
Your energy reaching out
to me
Pulling me, holding me
Don’t go. Be with me.
Stay with me.
My lightness of words
Cover a heavy heart
I sat with these next
words a long time
Unwilling to write my
confusion
Unable to write my
solution
As I sat in silence
It struck me it was no
accident
I began this poem with
my story
Although I must admit
I didn’t know it was
coming
Until the words wrote
themselves
I see now for the first
time
That my pain at being
unheard
My need unacknowledged
Was not “being silly”
It was real
I needed connection
Reassurance that I was
safe
In a house of unspoken
tension
I looked to you
And you went out
Leaving me with my fears
So now it’s 50 years
later
And my poetry...
Isn’t this interesting…
My poetry
Has brought it to the
light
When the tables are
turned
You’re the one with
fears
And it’s me who needs a
life
2/16/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Codependence
It’s one of life’s
interesting quirks
That what we say we hate
Is what we reinforce
It’s just so easy to
blame you
Or blame the situation
When all the while the
pointy finger
Should curve on back
towards me
I’ll give you an example
where
I can see
Painfully clearly
How I sabotage
Yet I feel powerless
To make the change I
yearn for
It’s all about the bell
Your only way to call us
Is to ring the bell
That accompanies you
Wherever you go
Without it
I hover
Waiting to be needed
Whether you awaken at 9
Or not until high noon
Without the bell
I’m a prisoner to your
unschedule
With it
I carry on
And respond exactly when
needed
I meet your needs
And I meet mine
Problem solved
But there’s a glitch
Sometimes you forget
In spite of reminders ad
nauseum
You sit and wait
Forgetting that it’s up
to you
Getting more frustrated
by the moment
Billowing it out when I
finally show up
“Mom, why didn’t you
ring the bell?”
“Oh”, you suddenly
deflate
Remembering now
“I didn’t think of it.”
So even if you usually
remember
I never know when you’re
going to forget
So I hover – sometimes
Other times I wait
The perfect study in
inconsistency
Guaranteeing no learning
will ever occur
It felt like a quandary
No solution possible
Until I went away
Les assumed
responsibility
But Les does not hover
“I’ll be back as soon as
you ring the bell.”
He meant it.
And you did it!
Each time!
Go figure.
2/19/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Don’t Argue
Don’t argue!
It feels like a good
decision
Whatever Mom wants
Is fine
Support her right to
choose
In an increasingly
powerless life
I learn that “don’t
argue”
Is more than not putting
up resistance
It’s me pushing my will
When I’m in a hurry
Or taking the easier
route
When I’m tired
Even if it’s not what
Mom wants
Sometimes it means
Me arguing with me
When there should be no
“discussion” at all
Like after the bedpan
I always bring warm
water
A soothing washcloth
underneath
Another on top
I watch her relax
“That feels so good”
She’s come to expect it
And I do it each time
But at 3AM I’m ragged
Eager to get back to bed
We’ll skip it this time
One time won’t matter
Yet – it’s a moment of
pleasure
Relaxing her for
sleeping
Remembering my
commitment
The argument’s over
She never knew
It almost didn’t happen
The most insidious
Are when my own
“shoulds”
Come forth to rule the
situation
The interesting thing
I learned them all from
Mom
“You should eat more of
this…”
“You really need to
exercise your legs…”
“We “ (what’s this we?)
“need to take a bath today…”
Hold on here!
When she sighs in
exhaustion
What’s the point of
pushing clean?
Back off from the
shoulds
And roll with her
rhythms
So “don’t argue” has
taken on new meaning
It’s allowing Mom to be
Whatever she needs to be
At this moment
At each moment
I commit to “don’t
argue”
Now I get to realize
Exactly what that means
Isn’t this quite a
journey?
2/20/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Let Me Count the Ways
It makes me squirm
When someone piles on
praise
For bringing Mom into my
home
For the final stage of
her life
As though it’s all
one-sided
I give and she takes
Look again, my friend,
There’s a rose for every
thorn
I do it for me
The lessons keep
unfolding
If only my eyes are open
And I’m willing to see
I do it for me
The immeasurable gift of
reconciling
After a lifetime of
distance
I do it for me
I’m learning so much
about me
My limits
My nurturing capability
My maturity
And I like this fabulous
woman I see
I do it for me
After a lifetime of
denial
I’m face-to-face with
death
It’s not so scary after
all
I’m so glad we’re
finally meeting
I do it for me
Energy work is my
passion
My mother is dying of
ebbing energy
Her process is my thesis
I grow in knowledge
I do it for me
I’ve learned to slow
down
To notice and respect
The small things
How precious!
I do it for me
How else would I see
The depth of my husband
He is truly a partner
In sharing the load
I do it for me
In this immersion in my
past
My family demons slowly
show themselves
As the tired old
patterns they really are
Slowly I begin to
release
The powerful grips
become powerless
And free me from their
hold
I do it for me
I didn’t think I could
And now I have
I’m doing the right
thing
And am rewarded with
many blessings
The key to continuing
success
In living through
challenges
Is to always be aware
And count the ways
I do it for me
2/21/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
One Day on the
Journey
What a strange day
Your memory failing here
and there
Me finally realizing
this isn’t a fluke
But a pattern
This is now who you are
Your short-term memory
no longer reliable
The realization grips at
my heart
The same day
The journey from bed to
commode
A distance of perhaps 3
feet
Seems endless
You look down at your
feet
And will them to move
But the brain to foot
message
Seems lost on its
journey
The most amazing thing
On this day when mind
and body fail
Your spirits are the
best yet
You talk, you joke
We laugh together
At little things
Rising above the stark
reality
Of a life closing down
I’ve seen your spirits
low
When things seemed good
Now I witness
A brave spirit
triumphing
When the body is failing
Today brother Mike
arrives
Yesterday you said
“Mike is coming
to discuss my funeral.”
Mike doesn’t know that
But he will
Your memory may be
failing
But some things you just
don’t forget
2/22/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
My Challenges, My
Growth
For years I’ve known
I have a problem with
boundaries
The angst of people I
care about
Draws me in until
I become their angst
It’s made me crash
It’s made me sick
It’s kept me from being
the support
To help them reclaim
their footing
Just when they need me
most
I’m gone
Lost in a sea of fear
I’ve done a lot of work
on this
Then you arrived to put
me to the test
The ultimate test
I’ve tracked my own
angst
Back to the womb – your
womb
When the events of your
life
Kept you from connecting
with me
Leaving me with an
emptiness
I would carry through
life
It’s fitting that it be
you
Who tests out my healing
I’m defending my thesis
In the relationship
where it all began
Your path is like the
ocean
Calm one moment, stormy
the next
At 7AM you engage in
life
At 9AM you want to die
The old me would follow
the waves
Rising and falling with
your moods
No distance, no support
Tossed about in nausea
Instead, I hold the
space
Allowing you your
reality
But offering a different
way
“Everything is fine in
this moment, Mom.”
“I am here and you are
safe.”
“I will take care of
you.”
Sometimes it works
And you relax
Allowing my reassurances
To replace your inner
demons
Sometimes it doesn’t
You hold tight to your
fears
That feel so real and
threatening
Either case is okay
The choice is yours
Even as I have my own
right
My responsibility
To choose to be a
witness
And not a participant
To offer you a life vest
Instead of drowning with
you
I don’t pretend that I
have licked
This problem I’ve dealt
with all my life
But every time I hold my
space
And offer you a mirror
of safety
I take a step towards
change
Each small success
Helps soothe my demons
And calm my soul
Perhaps permanent growth
Perhaps not
But one thing I know
This moment is surely
holy
2/23/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Pondering Death
Two days ago
You showed some new
symptoms
And I thought this might
be
The beginning of the end
What will it be like?
Even in the knowing
That you came here to
die
It’s still unreal
I try to picture
Abruptly stopping
This constant awareness
of you
Your breathing
Your eating
Your pooping
Your moods
The little rituals we’ve
set up
That bond us in their
predictability
That’s it – bond –
that’s the word
I’ve never known such a
bond before
What is it like when
that ends?
Oh, now the grief is
showing itself
I’ve been wondering when
it would
The heaviness of this
moment
Feels like a deep
respect
I’m glad to experience
this grief
It washes over me
For once I let it be
Just what it is
Unafraid of its power
It deserves to be
overwhelming
That’s the right
proportion
To the loss
I see that I’m loving
unconditionally
I love you for who you
are
Unchanged by what you do
Or – more important –
Did or didn’t do
When I was in your care
So what?
What matters is now
Making all we can of
Each precious moment
While you’re still here
2/26/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Regrouping
What’s happening here?
Changes occurring that
I don’t understand
Like a week going by
With you unwilling
To get out of bed
To walk the twenty feet
To your chair
“I’m too tired”,
You say each day
Now
When you navigate
The short distance to
the commode
You shake
Your muscles like jello
Your strength about gone
Something else
You’re depending on me
Even more
Wanting me with you
All the time
The talking
All one-sided
Your only contribution
“I…I don’t know”
You slowly
Move your hand toward me
Wanting to touch me
Needing that connection
I take it, hold it
Murmuring gentle
assurances
Is this how it’s going
to be?
Your energy grips me
Save me, my daughter!
Your need feels like
chains
Squeezing me
Restricting me
I can’t!
My throat tightens
My chest constricts
My breath shortens
Coming in shallow gasps
Reacting to the threat
I can see this another
way
I hold that thought
Repeat it
No need to figure it out
right now
It’s enough to know
That there are options
I can see peace instead
of this
The physical signs begin
to abate
Breath deepens
Chest relaxes
Throat opens
I repeat it over and
over
As I write these words
I listen to your gentle
breathing
As you sleep in the next
room
A wave of affection
Washes over me
I speak to me
As I speak to you –
Everything is perfect
In this moment
Our needs are met
We are safe
The reassurance calms me
Yes, it’s true
Why am I sacrificing
myself
To the unknown future?
The present is the only
known
And this moment is truly
peaceful
I close my eyes
And breathe with the
peace
The effect on my body
So palpable
I can see this a
different way
Yes, I can
I can meet your needs
And I can meet mine
It will all happen in
the moment
Each moment
Has total potential
For peace
3/5/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Waiting For Death
The journey has begun
It’s a matter of time
now
Until your body stops
I hover at your bedside
Watching you sleep
Memorizing the contours
of your face
I tell myself
You’re going to stop
breathing
But it doesn’t penetrate
You’ve been on this
earth
For almost a century
How can this be real?
I gaze at the photos
That surround your bed
A lifetime of captured
moments
A display of your
vibrancy
I look at your face
The vibrancy now gone
I settle into the
knowing
This is as it should be
The journey of life
Always ends with death
The only questions
Not IF, but WHEN and HOW
Your when is now
Your how is peaceful
Exactly as we’d hoped it
would be
I search for the image
That will bring me peace
Your spirit being freed
From your declining body
Rejoining those you love
Who greet you with joy
A celebration of a life
That made a difference
I play with my thoughts
Of liberation and
reunion
Of no more restrictions
By this tired earthly
body
Yes, I can let go
And send you off with
joy
Rejoice in your freedom
After a life well-lived
I stroke your brow
And murmur the phrase
That brought you such
pleasure
In our nightly ritual
Sleep with the angels,
Mom
This time I add
Soon you’ll soar with
them
A total free spirit
Go peacefully my sweet
one
Your journey awaits
3/13/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Everything’s Changed
It doesn’t take your
actual death
To change things totally
Dying is occurring in
steps
Each one an adjustment
Calling for all new
knowledge
Of how to meet your
changing needs
And adapting to
The painful loss of what
we shared
Everything’s changed.
Before we had our little
rituals
For toileting, bathing,
eating
I moved you easily
With your assistance
Les made you pureed
meals
“Just the way you like
it”
Little snacks of
tangerines and chocolate
And a couple of TV game
shows
Brought pleasure to your
afternoons
It was all so simple,
predictable
Not an easy life
Being so dependent, so
frail
But the three person
relationship
Was wonderful
Respect and mutual
appreciation
Its rock solid
foundation
Everything’s changed.
The downhill slide was
fast
Barely ten days to reach
death’s door
Now you rarely talk
And I miss you so much
You became a friend
After a lifetime of
distance
Everything’s changed.
My days have become
A constant monitoring of
you
Turning you often
Because you can’t move
yourself
Offering food
That you generally
reject
Trying to give you pills
That often won’t go down
You sleep, you sleep
And when you awaken
You gaze into the
distance
Seeing what only you can
see
Everything’s changed.
Today your breathing
Is the pattern that
precedes death
Your urine bag
Remains mostly empty
A body shutting down
Everything’s changed.
3/18/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Open Heart
I’m looking for an open
heart
To envelop me
To hold me
To comfort me, the
motherless child
As I cave in to my grief
I’m looking for wide
open arms
To surround me
To embrace me
To comfort me, the lost
child
As I let my loss sink in
The world appears so
distant now
Cold, removed
The brave few
Approach tentatively
Like the rest
They don’t know what to
say
Unlike the rest
They come anyway
My heart is so wide open
now
I reach out to family
and friends
Looking for a heartfelt
connection
Most cannot respond
With an equally open
heart
Except one
One beautiful response
That meets me where I am
“Bless you, thank you,
kiss you, hug you
Hold you, rub you, laugh
and cry with you
You are an inspiration
to me
I take such comfort
In knowing there are
people like you
Who stand up and face
life
With open arms
Open eyes
And an open heart”
I collapse in these
tender words
Let them surround me
And offer the solace I
need
Such meeting me head-on
Is rare
But all it takes is one
kind friend
To soothe my aching
heart
3/22/03
Copyright © Kaelin
Kelly, 2005
Goodbye Sweet Angel
The time is getting
close
Perhaps today
I sit by your bedside
Unsure of what next
Everything has been said
Everything has been done
Funny how I know
There will be no
surprises now
I’ve never been through
this before
Yet I feel
The wisdom of experience
As if I know what you
want
To assist you in your
journey
And what to expect
In a body shutting down
I gaze at your peaceful
face
I may be wrong
But I don’t think I’ll
miss you more
When your body stops
Than I do right now
You left for good 3 days
ago
After you called me by
name
For the last time
After you whispered to
Les,
“You’re a good man”
And when Mike called
Sweet, loving, attentive
Mike
I told him to expect no
response
Then put the phone to
your ear
You surprised us both
And connected one last
time
A tiny voice whispered
“Hi Mike”
Then a labored
“I love you too”
Before lapsing back into
silence
This time a silence
without end
Your life has played
itself out
93 years of doing
The last six months just
being
Teaching us so much
Even while dying
A sweetness imbued your
spirit
You responded so well to
respect
It was an honor to be
with you
And now it’s time
The signs are all there
Let go of this lifetime
Rest in well-deserved
peace
Know that you made a
difference
You will be missed.
You already are.
3/23/03
Copyright
©
Kaelin Kelly, 2005
The Passing
On the day you died
I read you my poetry
For the first time
Somehow
The simplicity of your
being
Was such a contrast to
The deep exploration of
the poetry
I had never been moved
To bring them together
As your death approached
Les urged me
To read my poems to you
Yes – that’s a good idea
You’re in transition now
Ostensibly in a coma
You will take only what
you want
And, as with everything
in your life right now,
Will let the rest float
by
So I began
I chose poems
effortlessly
Each choice more
intuitive than reasoned
I wanted to let you know
The breadth, width, and
depth
Of what caring for you
had meant to me
One by one I read them
Occasionally reading one
twice
“Did you hear that,
Mom?”
“I think you might
really like this one.”
After a while I stopped
And sat, just sat
Watching your breathing
In the evening, just
before bedtime
It felt right to resume
I read to you the last
eight poems
The ones written in
recent days
That recognized your
impending journey
And said my good-byes
In the final poem,
written just yesterday
I opened my heart to
your passing
I read it twice
Then my voice trailed
off
Minutes later
Your breathing slowed
Les and I murmured our
love
And witnessed your
gentle passing
S-l-o-w
S-l-o-w-e-r
Stop
No – one more gentle
breath pushed through
Then stop
This time for good
How loving of you to
choose this moment
To take advantage of
A small window of
opportunity
After the final poem had
been shared
Yet just minutes until
bedtime
You respected my deep
desire
To share your passing
To honor my commitment
That you would not die
alone
It’s been a stellar
journey, Mom
Your lessons will
continue to unfold
For months and years to
come
I taught you
You taught me
Together we explored the
meaning of life
The meaning of death
But most of all
What it is to love
3/30/03
Copyright
©
Kaelin Kelly, 2005
